If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*orders delivery*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Blew out my flip flop…
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk