Had a spot of bother earlier.
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job