Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that Iām starting to doubt sheās mine.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So itās like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
What a chick magnet..
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficultš
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but Iām delighted.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
āAll of everything is about balance,ā she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Whenever Iām upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hereās a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window itās called āIām Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AMā and a one and a two
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.