Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Monday
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?