*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch