Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
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My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
ibopfufen
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.