Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
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found my next D&D character name
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.