hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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Life is a suicide mission.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
This forever.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
U talkin 2 me?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that