Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.