The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
🍛
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?