Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud