call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Easy enough.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.