Should I call tech support or pray or what
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.