me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today