Does beer think about me too?
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer