H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.