*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
my first dose meeting my second
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.