[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
accurate
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat