I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Teach your children to beatbox
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…