I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi