If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
You Might Also Like
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.