*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree