I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.