[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?