[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076