Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.