Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Ugh but profoundly
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
You look like you would fail a DNA test
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline