I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what