I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb