The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry