[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I’d love this…lol
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right