Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine