on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
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Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”