[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
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The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
#inspiration #foodforthought
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.