sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Knock Knock
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit