HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.