[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me if I was a dog
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?