Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more