people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.