My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This fish is cracking me up
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
this is what they would have looked like, though
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok