A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
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Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.