STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Hotels are back
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.