One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels