What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Black Friday “markdowns” like
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Where is your GOD now????
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.