Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Previously On Persistence 😎
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder