My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses