Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women