Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me when i see my girls butt
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.