…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too