Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
You Might Also Like
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie